Half a Decade

 Five years ago... 

The man I will soon marry and I were heavy with the flirting, but were still friends in my junior year of college. I was crushing super hard, on you, Matt. 

Fast forward to the present and it’s just 4.5 weeks until I get to marry my best friend. Love of my life. Comfort when I’m sad. He makes me laugh and smile. I’m so incredibly thankful of the man he is. I have been so blessed to have his love and support. 

During this year and especially these last few months Matt has looked out for me and he has worked hard to build us a life. I couldn’t be more thankful. 

Don’t get me wrong, our relationship, just like all successful ones, take work and being willing to actually communicate with each other. So additionally, I am thankful for his willingness these last few months to help me work out and understand all the emotions I’ve felt with what’s going on with my mom and the country. He supports me when I protest,  come what may and has joined me more than once when standing up to injustices. He is supporting the things I’m working towards and the life I want to have. I’m having a benefit concert a week from now and there is he, helping me succeed. 

My only encouragement to anyone reading this is to find someone who loves you and helps you, like Matt does to me ❤️

Wherefore Art Thou Mother

 My mom is coming home today. 

Thank God, Covid-19 couldn’t keep her from the healing process that was needed. Thank God for her healing and for the peace that covered my family as we experienced this tragedy together but also a part.

 I had taken a back seat from social activities and from getting out into the community during this time. I wanted to be able to visit my mother if it was possible. Sadly, it was only possible to touch her hand and kiss her forehead after an end of life meeting I attended with some family members. After this meeting I was only able to see her through a window. It was a miracle that her health continued to improve to the point where they will release her today into a home health care program. 

 During this last month and a half, I met every day with so many unknowns. I was planning my wedding for November, but had no idea if both of my parents would be in attendance. I was lashing out at my loved ones, housemates, and coworkers. Maybe not in ways they knew about but the anger and frustration about what had happened to our family was still there.

 My family has been through the ringer many, many times before. I experienced anger and confusion in my heart growing up because of some of the things that happened to us or to family members individually. Through, I am a survivor of many trials, I still have irrational anger at random situations. It has become glaringly obvious to me that I have held onto some of that anger I had as a youth, even as I pretend like I have healed. I mean the assaults on my character, my beliefs, my morals, my feelings and understanding of the way the world around me was and continues to work. This assault coming from some family, friends I have lost, and total strangers.

 

As I sat next to this window a while ago, or inside my house, or outside in my car during my break at work because we can't eat inside due to covid-19, I had a lot of time to think. It's hard for me not to meet anger with anger. At the beginning of this month I find myself opening up to that, admitting to it, feeling it. I won’t be ashamed of my journey, just glad I made it though. I can't live my life feeling this way, its so incredibly isolating. It's not good for my health and wellness. I know I can't help too many others, if I'm not helping myself. I know I have work to do. We all do. 

 I want to challenge us all to work on those struggles that have felt almost life long. It can really hurt. I know the pain can feel almost unmanageable. I believe that working on ourselves, our own health and our own wellness is the best thing you can do for others right now, in this moment. Just like on a plane that is going through a problem and the oxygen masks drop and you're instructed to help yourself first, then you can help the person next to you. It's not selfish to do self care- its necessary to put in the work to help and heal yourself first. 

Love you all. 

Digging in

 So Lets Talk Gardening 

My grandmother taught me as a child about planting flowers at her home in Alabaster. My parents taught me about yard work EARLY on. My siblings and I have a lot of practice in clearing out yards-when we felt up to it. I got more experience while working on the grounds crew at Montevallo during college. My supervisor Mrs. Virginia was amazing and I loved learning about just general maintenance of plants while working with her. We spent time out in the greenhouse on Flower Hill.

 I am new; however, to planting produce for consumption. I started this spring and have loved it. I am loving the exercise, the productivity and the results of gardening. Aside from my new puppy trying to destroy my plants, it has been a good experience and I find it quite therapeutic. 

The past month, though I have planted some produce in anticipation, I feel a little drained. I really had to tough it out to get the plants going. Even garden maintenance has taken a toll. Actually all of the the things I had been working towards feels a bit strained. Am I feeling a bit of  Mars Retrograde, perhaps? Either way,  I’m trying to use my creative side and get what I can done, day by day but I am making little progress.  So I will be making this turtle like walk until the end of my slump. 

In the meantime, I’m posting some garden pictures here for my encouragement. Stay moving even when it's slow going, readers.