Guys!!!
So today I am at home with poison Ivy on my face and some other parts of my body. All things considered, I am blessed to be able to call out this weekend with almost no consequences. ( Thank you, job). I'm sitting on my little love seat and I feel incredibly overwhelmed in this moment. This is the result of so many things in my life. I'm fully aware, I did this to myself. I am taking this time to step back and reflect on what the past few months have been like because today is a hard day for me, I think the stillness is letting me overload my brain.
As a few of you know, I have been actively protesting, calling on leaders and community members to step up, and talking to individuals about what has been going on for generations; racism and a system that was set up to oppress people. It has been an honor to stand next to people fighting for change. The stress and tension that goes with this type of activity can be unsettling. On one hand there have been so many people who have been supportive, unconditionally so. A lot of us are younger at these protests and we are still learning how to best advocate for change in the communities around us. I see the strength in my comrades and I am encouraged. There has been encouragement from coworkers, and family members, and friends. I've seen children of different backgrounds raising their hands into fists and yelling, "Black Lives Matter" with smiles on their faces. This is why we are out there, I know this. We are working for the future generations. We want something better for them.
On the complete other hand, we have people who have been our opposition, literally and figuratively. There have been people within cars who have flicked us off. There have been men and women who have yelled obscenities at us and told us to get a life or get a job. There is hate in their eyes. Animosity. The most frustrating thing that happens for me personally is when people don't support us because they feel as if everything is fixed and no more work is needed. Some are unsympathetic and are unmoved by the actions taking place around them. In some cases, when support does come, it is attached to conditions. I know their eyes will open one day. I can only share my truth and hope I planted the seed.
This has impacted every facet and aspect of my life to be honest. Seeing the things this country is going through gives me hope and at the same time righteous anger. I am beginning to see every conversation as an opportunity to do better, be better, and demand better from each individual in my life. Damn, it is hard though. I understand that these times are fragile and that the things I want, I must work for.
I have started channeling my creativity back into what I want to accomplish in my own life. I have started making plans for my future endeavors. I have been listening to GirlTrek's podcasts over the last 3 months and I have been inspired by them and so many other strong and amazing women. They have made it clear that my dreams and my goals are attainable. It was my fear and lack of clarity that was holding me back. I'm being honest and saying that YES. I have had panic attacks and moments of extreme anxiousness recently. The idea I might fail can be crippling. This year has shaken me and woken me up to what I need to be doing. So I'm going to keep moving. I'll hold this stress and this anxiety and I will channel it to make me a better steward of my time and of my God given gifts. Even it's the last thing I do.
